CHI 2019 Recap Part 4: “Having it all” or How I can be a mother while attending CHI

This is a continuation of my series of blogs recapping CHI 2019. You can catch up with the first blog, if you missed it, and the second blog on self-care at conferences, and the third blog on the social impact of our research. In this final blog of my CHI 2019 series, I wanted to answer a Frequently Asked Question: “How are you managing being at CHI with kids?”

The short answer: Not easily. It’s hard. It’s expensive. I have to make tough choices.

The longer answer: I was fortunate enough to be one of the inaugural postdocs to get a grant from Northwestern that helped cover the cost of my mother’s plane ticket. This grant was to help postdocs who have dependents still attend conferences. It’s meant to cover costs such as a caregiver at home or for a child or caregiver to travel with. My daughter is still nursing and has never taken a bottle, no matter how much convincing we try to do. So, we made the choice that she comes with me on my overnight trips until she’s ready to not do that anymore.

What does this mean, really? That every time I want to travel, my daughter comes with. But if I am presenting or trying to network, I’m also looking for childcare. It’s difficult to be watching a running toddler while networking at cocktail hours or staying out late at dinners or after-dinner drinks. So, for a long international trip like CHI in Glasgow, I bring my mother who gets to spend time with her granddaughter while I’m off networking, going to workshops, and giving presentations. I will be real and tell you that this wasn’t an ideal set-up, but compared to the wrangling and horrible experiences of going to onsite job interviews with her as a 5 month old, CHI looked like cake.

I’ve learned to make tough choices. Do I go to this dinner or an afternoon session? Do I skip the morning in order to be able to stay out later that night? Do I bring the toddler to the poster session in order to give my mother a break? Much like other people who have accessibility issues or other needs, I have to prioritize what is most important to get out of a conference and not feel guilty or like I missed out on all the rest. And this is above and beyond the fact that I do have my own set of physical needs and accessibility issues. I learned very early on in my PhD that taking care of myself was the most important part and then prioritizing everything else after that.

I’ve also come to rely on the support not just of my own family, but of the wider network of Academic Mamas. I’m part of a large Facebook group, and many smaller groups as well. These women have really helped me figure out how to navigate the sometimes challenging and strange waters that is academic life.

My daughter is going to be done nursing soon. There will be a time, probably in the not so distant future, that I will miss these moments I got to spend with my children while they were young. While doing my research well and hopefully getting a job this coming year are important to me, I do have to stop and recognize that these moments will not be here forever.

And I also would like to take this moment to recognize that this is very hard. Being a full time postdoc, going on the academic job market again, and being a mom to two young children is supremely challenging. I relish the challenge. But I want to say to other Academic Moms who might be reading this: I see you. This is hard work. Take a moment to appreciate yourself and all that you do for your little ones.