Tales from my Personal Journey in Anti-Racism Work (Part 1)

When I started this week, I knew it was going to be a hard one. I was attending two conferences simultaneously because of the joys of virtual conferencing. I had a keynote talk to give and another presentation in a field that is not my main area of expertise. All of this while working from a home office where I have to bar the door with a chair because it doesn’t latch in a house that is a good half-century older than my 97 year old grandmother that we’re living with and caretaking for. And don’t forget the two kids under 6. I knew it was going to be a difficult week, but doable. I am, somehow, managing all of this.

I was not really prepared.

We’re a year into lockdown, but hope is on the horizon. Perhaps it’s in that taste of hope that I let my guard down. Perhaps it was because I had planned to have a fun weekend before, but my recreation turned into an all day ordeal rife with racism and emotions running high. Perhaps a very unfortunate combination of these and other factors that really left me without my normal ability to compartmentalize my emotions.

Whatever the reason, here we are. I’ve been trying to write some version of this blog article for almost a year now (maybe even longer, really). But one of the advents of 2020 was a widening appreciation for anti-racism work. Suddenly, everyone was ready to engage with me in talking about it. So, one of the things I have been doing is having lots of conversations with people about racism and being anti-racist. We started a book club. I’ve been talking with family, friends, co-workers, students, mentors. I’ve been wanting to put my thoughts about some of this into writing and I guess I’m finally in a headspace where my brain is letting me write.

I suspect this is actually the opening to a (probably sporadic) series of articles. There’s a lot to unpack. And this is hard.

Who am I and what right do I have to be talking about racism?

I am a white woman married to an Asian American man and the mother of two half Asian American children. I also have a PhD and my area of research focuses on marginalized and minoritized communities in online spaces. My area of expertise has been on disability and ableism, but I have also made it my mission for both professional and personal reasons, to also engage deeply in anti-racism work. I do believe that my job as a white woman is to do as much as I can because I am white and in a position of power and privilege to do so. There are many ways in which I, as a white woman, need to also demonstrate when it is time to sit down, shut up, and listen.

In order to understand the context of this week, I need to tell a bit of backstory about myself. When we first went into lockdown last March, we decided to move back home from Illinois to Washington since I was switching jobs and we were going to have to move anyway. We just sped up the process not knowing what the future held with a pandemic sweeping through a completely unprepared country.

In order to get from Illinois to Washington, one has to drive through quite a large swathe of the country. We had to plan for areas where mask wearing would be flagrantly ignored and plan for places that might not be accommodating to people who wished to stay socially distant as much as possible. We also had to plan for racism. Were we going to run into people who had bought into the whole “Chinese virus” line? Were there going to be people upset seeing an Asian family in the same hotel as them? Were we going to have issues with people being confrontational at rest stops? It wasn’t until later, after the trip, when I was talking to some other white colleagues that they had never even thought about these potential scenarios and were amazed that I had even thought to be worried about such things. I completely believe that a combination of luck and putting my white body at the forefront everywhere we went was the reason our trip was completely uneventful.

picture of light blue sky with branches full of light pink cherry blossoms on the right side of the image
Photo by J Lee on Unsplash

This is why after the mass shooting this week, while I was and still am completely heartbroken, I am not at all surprised.

What I was surprised about was other people’s surprise. What I was surprised about was how quickly and strongly people (media, law enforcement, politicians, etc.) were to make this violence NOT about racism. What I was surprised about was how little some of my white friends and colleagues know about the Asian American community. What I was surprised about was having to explain, to multiple people, that the misogyny of this event was obvious, but so is the racism that intersects with that misogyny.

I am not here to tell the story for the Asian American community. This is their story, their trauma to tell. What I am here to do is tell white people to listen.

As a parent, you worry about your kids. You work hard to give them the best life possible. As a parent, I am angry. As a parent, I am heartbroken. As a society, we can be so much more and so much better. White people, we can do better than this.

Are you listening now?

Yes, this week was awful. I am worn out. I am emotionally spent. I have cried so much and, yet, surprise myself by finding more tears. I am tired. I was not prepared for how hard this week was going to be. But this week was much, much worse for other people. So, for them, I am here. I will give my kids a big hug and continue to do this work.

My favorite idol has a shirt that says, “Be a Good Human.” The very best way we can start to do that is to listen to one another, with caring, open hearts.

gif of Park Jimin walking away in an orange shirt with white text that says “be a good human”

Here is a list of excellent pieces written by authors of color around this week’s awful events.

If you have others I’ve missed (which I am sure there are many), let me know in the comments or DM me and I’ll add them. Self-recs also welcome.